What Should Have Happened
by September Silver
Summary: I take random parts of the SP books and change them slightly so it's slightly more ridiculous. Enjoy! Will be continued if it gets enough reviews, faves, and follows.
1. The Sceptre of the Ancients

**This is a very stupid story. Basically, I'm taking parts out of Sceptre of the Ancients and changing them a little tiny bit. I may do this for the other books if this has a good reception. **

**I'm not expecting you to like it. I hope you will, though.**

* * *

**Meeting China Sorrows for the first time**

...and in this open space stood the most beautiful woman Stephanie had ever seen. Her hair was black as raven wings, and her eyes were the palest boue. Her features were so delicate, Stephanie feared they might break if she smiled, and then the lady smiled and Stephanie felt such warmth that for an instant she never wanted to be anywhere else but at this lady's side.

"You know I'm male, right?" China said, and Stephanie threw up.

**Infiltrating the Sanctuary**

"We need a diversion," Tanith said.

"Any suggestions?"

Tanith didn't answer, but after a moment she looked at the Cleavers. Ghastly understood immediately.

"We can get them to dance the hula in grass skirts, and while they're dancing, we can run inside!"

Tanith sighed.

**Seeing Skulduggery without his disguise for the first time**

But no. With his sunglasses gone and his scarf hanging down, there was no denying the fact that he had no flesh, he had no skin, he had no eyes, and he had no face.

All he had was a pineapple for a head.

**Serpine dying**

Serpine's grinning face. His eyes. His smile. All those teeth. His skin, creased in savage pleasure, and now his skin was changing, and it was drying, and the emerald eyes were losing their gleam, and he turned into Britney Spears

**Valkyrie practicing magic**

"How's it going?"

She looked up as Tanith Low approached.

"You're starting off too big," Tanith said. "A phone's too heavy. A washing machine would be good enough."

**Skulduggery shows Valkyrie some magic**

"Very well," he said, and held up his open hand in front of her. She frowned, feeling a little chilly, and then she became aware of a droplet of water running down her face. In an instant her hair was red with pink polka dots.

"How did you do that?"

"You tell me."

"I don't know. You shot me in the brain, put me into a coma, styled my hair, and then brought me back here?

He looked down at her. "Very good," he said, impressed.

**Valkyrie asks if she can do magic**

There was a question Stephanie had been dying to ask, but she didn't want to appear too eager. As casually as she could, thumbs hooked into the belt loops of her jeans, she said, as if she had just plucked this thought out of thin air, "Can I touch your femur?"

**Valkyrie finds out she can do magic**

"Yes!" she exclaimed, sticking both arms up in the air. She'd learnt how to spell "cat"! She laughed in delight.

"You look happy."

She turned so suddenly, she almost fell off the boulder.

"Just realised that I'm going to turn into Darquesse and kill you and the rest of the world, that's all."

**Learning about Bliss and China being related**

"Hush now."

"And thanks for letting me know that Bliss and China were husband and wife, by the way."

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**Please review and tell me if I should do the other books :) September signing out!**


	2. Playing With Fire

**Oh my gosh! You have all given me such an amazing response to the first chapter! I couldn't be more thankful. **

**Anyways, this chapter is a bit short. I spent a really long time looking for material but Playing with Fire is harder to do than the last one. GROAN. **

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** The bit in the beginning on the rooftop**

The church tower stood high and proud, looking out over Dublin City. The night breeze was brisk and carried snatches of laughter from the street below. It was a long way down. A girl in a black coat walked over to the edge and smirked.

"Um, Melancholia, you don't show up until Mortal Coil."

"I don't get to kill you then?"

"Uh, no."

"Vaurien said I could..."

"Where is he, anyway?"

"Bathroom break."

"Ah. I see."

Melancholia walked away, muttering, "I _really_ need to talk to my agent."

* * *

**The Grotesquery**

Baron Vengeous crawled to the Grotesquery.

"Tell them I'm sorry," Vengeous whispered. "I've failed them."

The Grotesquery put one hand on its hip. "Yeah, and whose fault is that, sucker?"

* * *

**How did Vengeous get out?**

Skulduggery was silent for a moment. When he spoke, he spoke slowly. "How did he get out?"

"He pranced through the hallways in a wedding dress and threw flowers all over the floor. The guards thought he was the interior decorator they hired, so they let him go. I heard, though, that they realised what had happened after seeing that Vengeous failed to paint the walls pink, even though they had called the interior decorator ten times asking him to do it."

* * *

**Skulduggery and Vengeous **

"No jokes? No taunts? Let me see how confident you are now, you abomination.

Skulduggery's hand went into his jacket and came back out with a _Lorax_ ticket.

"Eeeeee!" Vengeous squealed. "I wanna see _The Lorax_! Give it to me!"

* * *

**Attacking the Grotesquery**

Tanith and Bliss went to join Skulduggery, Valkyrie, and the Cleavers, and they stepped into the trees.

Valkyrie moved as stealthily as she could, but the others were all jumping and screaming _WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE!"_

"Will you shut up?" yelled the Grotesquery. "You know I don't like Yellow Submarine! Why don't you sing We Will Rock You for a change?"

* * *

**Tanith gets healed by Kenspeckle and his crew**

Bliss placed his hands on Tanith's shoulders, Skulduggery held down one arm, and Valkyrie pinned the other. The Cleavers secured her legs.

"Now then," Kenspeckle grinned. "Let's give her a tattoo!"

"What about a unicorn?" Bliss said.

* * *

**Anyway, tell me if you liked this one, otherwise I won't continue. (Please please please review. I have a really great idea for The Faceless Ones. It involves a disco ball and a leotard.) **

**Adios, my wonderful, wonderful people! September signing out.**


	3. The Faceless Ones

**I decided not to use the leotard. I settled for... well, you'll see what he's wearing. It's the last one. For some reason I just love to torture Bliss. Meh.**

**Anyway, THANK YOU! You still continue to give me a wonderful response!**

**I'm having a little writing competition in my forum, so have a look! Please? Pretty please? Here's the link:**

** forum/Skulduggery-Pleasant-Writing-Contest/122972/**

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**Sea Hag**

From the tree stump, the skeleton withdrew a tiny silver bell, the length of his thumb, then straightened up and rang it.

The Sea Hag popped out of the water. "Darn it! That was too loud! Try again!" She popped beneath the waves again.

He rung the bell again, this time softer.

The Sea Hag rose again, grumbling. "Too soft." She sunk back down.

He rung the bell again, this time louder.

The Sea Hag stuck her head out. "No, you don't shake it from right to left, you shake it from left to right."

He rung the bell again from left to right.

The Sea Hag shook her head. "No, sorry, I'm wrong, it's right to left. Try again."

"RING YOUR OWN DAMNED BELL!" And Skulduggery hit her on the head with it.

**Valkyrie uses Wreath's cane**

Valkyrie rotated the cane by her side, like she was gathering candyfloss around the stick, then flicked it at the Faceless One. Instead of shadows, candyfloss flew, and the Faceless One ate some and scowled.

"It's too sweet," it whined.

"_Well excuse me_."

**A Faceless One**

Something flew out of the gate.

Valkyrie grabbed the Scepter in her hand, trying to see what it was.

It was a number one. It was an animate number one. And it had no face.

Valkyrie turned to Skulduggery. "You know, when you said Faceless _Ones_, I didn't think it was going to be literal."

"That's the fun of all of this. Now shall we go?"

**Meeting Wreath**

"You may remember this from the news actually. Four people were murdered—three were shot, one was stabbed. Two people died _here_, in this room. The third was killed in the kitchen. The fourth in the hall, within arm's reach of the front door."

Valkyrie looked at him. "How did you remember all of that?"

Wreath gestured behind her. "Skulduggery's helping me put up prompt cards while I talk to you."

**Wreath's little posse**

A figure walked in from the back room. Immediately, Skulduggery's gun was out, and Tanith's sword was flashing, and Ghastly had fire in his hands.

"Dude! Chill!" said the White Cleaver.

Skulduggery thumbed back the hammer of his gun. "Explain yourself, Wreath. This man has been on the Sanctuary's Wanted List for over two years."

"I'm wanted? Sweet! I knew _somebody _out there wanted me!" giggled the White Cleaver, and Wreath kicked it to get it to shut up.

**The Sceptre returns**

The case clicked and opened, and China lifted the Sceptre of the Ancients from its box.

She gestured to the crystal. "Throw it in the air."

Valkyrie looked at her. "What?"

"Just do it."

Valkyrie took a deep breath, then threw the crystal up in the air.

"Whee! Let's play tennis!" China cackled, and swung the Sceptre at the crystal. The crystal shattered into a million pieces.

China bit her lip and began to cry. "Oopsies."

**It's a trap**

Slowly, Bliss reached for the symbol and it started to glow. He shook his head.

"I was wrong. This isn't a warning sigil."

"No," the Administrator agreed. "It's not."

She stepped back as a dozen symbols lit up, catching Bliss in a circle of blue light.

Suddenly, he was dressed head to toe in one of those sparkly Elvis Presley jumpsuits. A disco ball appeared on the ceiling, and loud disco music started playing.

"LET'S PARTY!" screamed the Administrator and Bliss at the same time, and they started dancing really badly.

"Come on! Let's do the Macarena!" Bliss yelled at Valkyrie.

Valkyrie turned to Scapegrace to try and formulate a plan, and she caught sight of him just as he fled around the far corner.

She sighed, but then shrieked as she got pulled into the cha-cha.

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**Same rules as always. Sorry that it wasn't as funny as it could've been, but... I had a time limit this time. Anyways, remember my writing competition! OK bye :)**


	4. Dark Days

**Will you ever stop being so wonderful to me? I'm so happy that you're liking this story (well, if you can call it a story.)**

**I don't really know if I need to mention that these all contain spoilers, but... well, I just said they do. In fact, I don't even know if they count as spoilers.**

**One more important note: The one entitled _The Portal_ is not meant to be offensive.**

* * *

**Shudder using his gist, which is my favourite part in the whole book**

Shudder nodded. He closed his eyes and his fists clenched. Then a head pushed through his chest.

"Dang it," said the head, which belonged to an American tourist. "This isn't France!"

**The portal**

Valkyrie turned to the portal. It was taller than she was now. She licked her lips and walked forward. The wind whipped her hair and she could feel the gravitational pull, eager to welcome her. Valkyrie hesitated and then ran, straight into the yellow...

...and slammed into it and fell backwards.

She looked up from the ground. "What the hell?"

The yellow opened up as if it were a door, revealing an old, frail lady with missing teeth. "Hello, what you want?"

"Um, I want to go _in_."

"Ya, you make appointment?"

"No, but..."

"Cannot come in then!"

"Look, I'm here to get a friend, so..."

"No, must leave. Can call manager tomorrow and book appointment."

**Setting off the Desolation Engine**

Guild stood, panting with exertion, his heart beating wildly.

He opened his hand.

The Desolation Engine wouldn't fall.

He looked at it and shook his hand, but the Engine _still_ wouldn't fall.

"Why is it not falling?" he grumbled, and started trying to get it off with his foot.

The Desolation Engine then stuck to his foot as well as his hand.

Skulduggery tried to yank it off, then Valkyrie, then Scarab, and they all got stuck and stumbled onto the playing field together **(they were in a stadium, remember?)**

"Where's the ball?" asked a player, and then he saw them all holding the Desolation Engine. "Oh, there it is!" And he ran towards the Engine.

"NO!" everyone holding the Engine yelled.

**Wait, you're learning Necromancy?**

"Right," Skulduggery said, yanking the wheel sharply. "I need to have a word with Wreath."

He yanked the wheel so hard that it came off, and they drove straight into the Temple.

"Hm," said Wreath once they had crashed. "That was an impressive entrance."

**Wreath shadow-walking**

He bowed his goodbye then tapped his cane to the ground and invited the shadows in around him.

When they dissipated, he was still there.

"This isn't working," he groaned, and then rung a number.

"_This is the Necromancy Help Hotline. Thank you for calling. We will be with you in a few minutes._"

Bad elevator music started playing, and Wreath looked at Valkyrie. "Wait a while, all right?"

The phone stopped playing the music and they both sighed with relief.

"_If you wish to file a complaint, press one. If you wish to be transported to a strip club, press two. If you are experiencing problems with the item you store your powers in, press three. If you..."_

Wreath pressed three, and then they endured another ten minutes of elevator music before the operator spoke.

"_Hello, how can I help you?"_

"I'm not shadow-walking properly."

"_Have you experienced this problem before?"_

"No."

"_All right, hang on." _The elevator music started playing again and Wreath smashed the phone with his cane before walking off.

**Hoped you like that, and sorry it took a while. Same rules apply, and once again: THANK YOU WWPs! (Wonderful Wonderful People, because I called you that a lot in my other story.)**


	5. Mortal Coil

**Gods, this is awful... I just needed to quickly upload because I'M TAKING TOO LONG! (I think I've forgotten how to write humor, and no inspiration comes to me...gack.)**

**To understand one of these joke things, quickly listen to _Boogie Wonderland _by Earth, Wind and Fire. It's an awesome song that features guys in weird falsettos.**

* * *

**At the Midnight Hotel**

"Good morning," Caelan said. "Did I...I'm sorry if I was loud last night."

"I told you already," Shudder frowned. "You're _not _allowed to sleep in my bed _unless _you stop talking in your sleep."

"But..."

"Look, I don't want to be woken up in the middle of the night by you crying _Fletcher why don't you love me _over and over again."

Caelan crossed his arms. "Well, you wake meup when you cry _Skulduggery why don't you love me_."

Shudder quickly walked away.

**Remnant inhabits Finbar Wrong**

The scream choked and the throat bulged. Finbar's body thrashed, but Wreath's restraints held. Finbar suddenly went limp. A moment passed, and orange veins spread beneath his skin and his lips turned pink. He was suddenly wearing the jumpsuit that Bliss was wearing in The Faceless Ones, and disco music started playing again.

"LET'S BOOGIE!"

Wreath groaned. "Not _again_..."

**Carol finds out about magic I**

"Stephanie," he cousin Carol said in astonishment, "why are you beating up that policeman?"

Valkyrie wept. "_He stole my ice-cream!"_

**Caelan stares at Valkyrie**

His insides tearing, he forced himself to his feet. He took one last look at Valkyrie through the window and tried to jump the fence.

He jumped straight into the fence, and the wood hit his face with a loud _thlack_.

Valkyrie came to stand over him. "You're pathetic."

Caelan looked up at her, eyes brimming with tears. "My love for you hits me like this fence hit my face."

**Darquesse to Valkyrie**

"Valkyrie," Skulduggery said. "Listen to my voice. I'm your friend. I'm your partner. I promised I'd help you with this. I didn't mean it though, because seriously, I am _not_ wearing a dress for your Boogie Wonderland music video."

"_NO!_" Darquesse screamed, and then she cried, "_IF I CAN'T MAKE A BOOGIE WONDERLAND VIDEO, NOBODY CAN!" _before destroying the world.

Tanith looked at Skulduggery. "_Why didn't you just wear the stupid dress_?"

**Dalrymple is a good sword-fighter (this one's dedicated to Harmoni333 because her story inspired this idea)**

Dalrymple sighed. "You seem to have me beaten," he said at last.

"So it seems. But if this is true, then why are you smiling?"

"Because," Dalrymple answered, "I know something you don't know."

"And what that might be?"

He looked at China. "I know about China's...secret."

China immediately tensed.

Skulduggery frowned. "What secret?"

""She posted a _Stupid Hoe _cover on YouTube."

China scowled darkly. "Nobody was supposed to know about that."

"Well," Skulduggery said, "I know that now, so now there's nothing you know that I don't know."

"China doesn't know about your _Baby _cover though, does she?"

Now it was Skulduggery's turn to scowl.

**You should _so_ be an Elder *sniggers***

Ghastly's eyes widened. "Have you lost your mind?"

"Why not? You're liked, you're well-respected, and everyone knows about your bravery on the battlefield. You'd make an _awesome _drag queen!"

"I'm not a drag queen," Ghastly said. "I'm a tailor."

"You can still make suits in your spare time, but we're really going to need you to do this."

Ravel nodded solemnly. "Destiny is calling, my friend.

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**I might revisit this book later... Anyways, hope you liked that. Review, fave, follow... You're awesome!**


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